The Bitch in Your Head by Dr. Jacqueline Hornor Plumez

Author:Dr. Jacqueline Hornor Plumez [Plumez, Jacqueline Hornor]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Taylor Trade Publishing
Published: 2015-03-20T16:00:00+00:00

9

The Blame Bitch

Mistakes, Failure, and Inequity

People sometimes ask: Isn’t The Bitch a good thing, like a conscience? No. Here’s the difference: The Bitch encourages you to be insulting and cruel to yourself and others, while a conscience tries to keep you from acting that way. And if you have done something wrong, The Bitch wants you to wallow in guilt and shame, while a healthy conscience urges you to clear things up by apologizing and making amends.

So this chapter explores those issues by asking: What if you did something so stupid or bad that you harmed yourself and other people as well? Or what if you were unfairly harmed? Hmmm. Makes me think of my family.

My grandparents, Lyford and Dorothy Hornor, lived in a small Southern town, probably the only place in the world where, for several generations, if you were a Hornor, you were top dog. My grandfather owned the bank. They lived in one of the largest houses in town, a mansion complete with tall white columns.

Like many people with too much money and too little altruism, my grandfather self-destructed. He gambled, drank too much, and had affairs. He was well on the way to destroying his family when his mismanagement destroyed the bank.

After his failure, instead of depressing himself with Bitchy thoughts like, “Shame on you! You’ve ruined your life forever,” in disgrace and relative poverty, he moved his family to Washington, D.C., where he found a job with the Federal Trade Commission and began leading an upright life, working hard for the first time in his life.

Bitchy shame would have been self-destructive, robbing my grandfather of the energy he needed to start over. Instead, he acknowledged his failings in a way that inspired him to learn from them and live in the opposite manner. He focused on behaving in a way that could win back his family’s respect, rather than merely letting The Bitch beat him up.

As hard as it was for my grandfather to reconstruct his life, I think my grandmother’s job was even more difficult. The Bitch flooded her with anger and resentment: her husband’s stupid self-indulgence had harmed many people and left her friendless in a small one-bedroom apartment in a new city where she was a nobody, forever removed from the town and lifestyle she loved.

Like many people, my grandmother tried to find salvation through religion. And while she became very active at the National Cathedral, she was miserable until a popular book, The Power of Positive Thinking, helped her focus on building a good life for herself rather than wasting her energy resenting her husband and letting The Bitch tell her she was stupid and weak to stick by her mate.

By the time I came along, they had transformed themselves into a relatively happy old couple. He was a jolly grandpa who took me to the movies each Saturday and bought me popcorn. She taught me to cook the wonderful French-influenced Southern food she served to her new friends—people she knew who liked her for herself, not her money.

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